A response April 2024

I cannot write anything new about grief. All the stereotypes have been written before. Of seas and waves and salt water deep, stinging and drowning, the numbness and pain. We know they are all true, the stages we’ll go through, and the light that might just shine when and if we get through.

The assuring and sympathetic words that are spoken when I pick up the phone, don’t actually assure, I feel no better and your voice today wont sooth or calm my breath. I can’t really hear anything anyway apart from the beating in my own chest, of what is, the cheating blood in my own veins that keeps me alive.

Why do my own knees seem to not have the strength to hold my weight, they buckle and I end up sat on wet grass whilst I cry. I scream just to break my own silence, no idea if it came out loud. I’m listening to the same song on repeat, the muted piano notes the only thing I can tolerate.

I am frozen, physically I am cold. I can’t move to warm. Emotionally I am stunned, frozen in time. Frozen with fear of who might be next. The fear that when 2 deaths in so many months become 3 then surely 4 is next, but when is never known and that to be sure freaks me out.

I am freaked fear frozen and riddled with guilt and grief.

Katy C. I missed your funeral cause I was dealing with a man who refused to die, he is 80 and medical intervention cheated his death more than once and you are 49 and we don’t even know what happen or why, but I missed your funeral and I’m struggling to believe you’ve died. But I rang your phone and I didn’t hear your giggles and screams of KTB this is KTC!… and I’ve seen the photos, tributes others left for you and heard the songs played on that funeral day, I’ve messaged other people, they’ve confirmed it with sadness and apologies, that I didn’t get to know sooner.  I am rattled with guilt I didn’t see you at the start of the year and the reality I’ll never see your face again is sinking in and I hate it. It is beyond sad.

It is grief. A thing I know well yet wish I’d never met.

For now my friend. I weep on sheets of sorrow.

Dig deep down into my soul. Send out barbs to anchor yourself in my spirit so I shall never lose you, so I shall never forget, as that is my fear.

Muted all

Left unsure

But I did love you.

                                          Katy Corrie: Keep burning bright girl! ~21.12.74~08.02.24