A Response…

I’m not actually angry with you
Annoyed maybe
But the anger
I am angry with the world
It’s not directed at you
You just got in the way.

I want to scream and shout and yell out loud
I want to kick and punch
I want to share how much I hurt
Try and spread the pain
I don’t want to be
Judged
It wasn’t my
Fault

But I am left with it
It’s still mine to deal with
Only ever been mine to deal with.
No one else has to
No one else wants to
No one else needs to
Its only mine
My problem, the problem is mine.

It’s been here a long time now
And yes I am still angry and yes I’ll cry and yes I’ll wallow in self-pity because I do hurt.

Its why I run, to feel my heart beat outside my chest
Its why I jump in freezing waters to swim, to shock my core and press reset
To override the dullness and wash out the fog.
It’s all the things which make me feel so alive
It drives me to be the best I can
It is a part of me
and
If you were to take it away I’m now not sure
Who I’d be without it
And that scares me

Has it made me who I am
Am I me because of it ?

SKB 23/9/25

Breathe

Breathe in…
But no breath is big or long enough to fill my lugs enough, to push out the aching pain that makes me shake.
Breathe out…
Each exhale spills out of me and with it all the tears that flood my head, but never stream out of my eyes to cry
My body too numb to react in any normal way.

The dark blue colour of the sky makes me want to fly, to stretch my limbs towards to the abyss
The emptiness.
To stretch so hard that each muscle, tendon and sinew snap,
Splinter
Shooting an audible pain which echoes further that the oceans spreads, breaking me one bit more but making no difference.
The pit in my stomach has no known depth to it.
It sinks far down where the sunlight no longer penetrates, dark darker than black, where all the joy was taken. Where any love that was has drown
Suffocated
life
Straggled.

The endless pain that I am still alive when there is no love left inside.
No idea if love or light will ever replace that darkest dark inside.
To stop the questioning in my head
To lie silently one more time.
To wish a wish upon a cloud, that change could change and memories die.

sKB

…I was a very happy person, someone tried to take that away, from me, and I don’t even think they knew, they weren’t even conscious of the actions they took, and I wasn’t even conscious.

Sometimes I think they succeeded. I try really hard not to let them, because then they have won and I don’t like losing but that night I lost, but some days it just doesn’t happen, it is still a massive battle,

I battled, I am hurt, I fell, and sometimes I don’t know how to get back up. Sometimes I lose.

Sometimes it feels like always, I always try to be happy but sometimes it just hurts. And some days I just don’t have the energy to try anymore, and I just want to cry. Some days I forget it existed and some days I forget I exist, it’s on repeat. I feel like I’m on repeat I feel like I’m constantly on repeat again and again and the pain, but I remember I was a very happy person, but they tried to take it away…skb

RAISE YOUR WEAPON

Raise your weapons to the sky.
Inhale your poison wash it down.
Raise a glass and pour it in
Sink your poison till you drown.

Scared and scarred.
Raise your lungs and fill your veins.
Paint the smile till dawn is out.
The more the excess the more the distress.
Let the music take you, move you, raise you to the sky.

Fly high. Fall deep. Fail. Frail. Raise your weapons to the sky, inhale your poison.
Lie still
Try not to breathe. . . .

sKB

Why I write…

I write because
I’m scared

Because I know I don’t have the answers to the questions I think you’re going to ask.

Because the sounds I hear are haunting
The silents screams
The violence deafens me

Because I’m not sure if you see them in my eyes
The paralysed running states of dreams
Which taunt me
The fear that blinds me

I write the words which punish me.
I want to feel the pain
It’s all I trust to fill that void

The self destruct and self made pain that used to fill it up
One night, sat round your kitchen table, I made a promise to stop

But when that void is empty, the pain it rattles round
So I write these words which bring me tears to drown it out instead

It hurts me more than you will ever know
Don’t think I do this with ease
I write to seek attention

I am seeking your attention
To say
I’m
Not
OK

sKB

Control.

I can still hurt myself more than you can ever hurt me.
I am in control
I win
I still hurt
I loose
What the fuck is the difference

I wear my scars on the outside.

Drive it through
Cut it through
Make it hurt
Make it last
You did so why shouldn’t I.
I will hurt myself more than you ever hurt me.

I wear my scars on the outside.
A twisted way to win.

Let me.

Let me go far far away
Let me go without guilt
Let me go into the darkness.

Tell me why I should not go
Tell me why I stay
Tell me why I will be labelled
If I go away.

Ask me who I am
Ask me who I should be
Ask me who I should love
Ask me why I care.

Let me find another place
Let me fine a peace
Let me find who I am
Let me find a love

sKB

Attention Seeking

Don’t think I do this with ease
Don’t think I would do this if there was another way. 

You said, just ask if you need help, but I didn’t know how

Because I know I don’t have the answers to the questions I think you’re going to ask.

The words weren’t there, the right ones. I don’t know the right ones, the clever ones

I just felt wrong inside
I feel wrong inside

I don’t feel normal I didn’t know how to explain

But that’s just attention seeking behaviour
This is attention seeking.
But
I’m
Hurting
And I can’t tell you why
I just am
I can’t explain why or how or when it all started just listen to me it’s now, it’s here. This is
Real
To
Me